Memories of Doug Hokenson ---- December 2006

Memories of Doug

Thomas McCabe

December, 2006

 Doug lived one street over. We met around 1948-49 when I was about 7 or 8 years old. It was when we first had bikes and explored the 'world' --- meaning one street over. Doug lived on Nathaniel Avenue which is one street west of my Grotto Avenue in Fairlawn, Pawtucket, RI. When you’re a little kid your street seems like the universe and the next street seems a bit of a distance away; when you meet someone from the next street at that age you remember the differences, as if it's a foreign land.  When the rest of us were then gangly and awkward Doug Hokenson from Nathaniel Avenue was confident and self-assured. He had a certain presence; he spoke with an assuring laugh and a gentle smile.

 My meetings with Doug punctuated my life --- they seemed to delineate my major life experiences. Doug was one year older and a school grade ahead. When we met he seemed to explain what to expect – he was the preface to my life chapters.

Events and chronology

Rhode Island – the early years

I remember hearing that Mr. Hokenson had died, very early of a heart attack. I think Doug was 8 or 9 at the time. I think this had a big impact on Doug --- he became and remained very health conscious, watched his weight, and was fixated on working out. Doug's quiet reserve and depth may have been an unwelcome benefit of losing his dad at such a young formative age.

Playing sports

 On Saturdays we used to go to the Pawtucket YMCA and play basketball all day. We'd show up at 10 am when the  gym opened and play until 5   when they closed --- no lunch, we couldn't afford it. We never had a membership, the “Y” was expensive. We'd hitchhike to downtown Pawtucket and sneak in. It wasn’t hard to do, the “Y” would turn a blind eye; there were lots of kids like us there. Guys would come in waves, play about two hours, and then another wave. Doug and I played all day, right through to 5, and then hitchhike home to Fairlawn.

 This was pick-up basketball --- organized teams were different. Doug played on teams first; I was a bit gun shy, but not Doug. He played with uniforms, with refs, and he could execute; his pickup moves were even better ‘under pressure'. It took the rest of us years to mature to this; Doug did it right out of the box. He always had a certain reserve and composure. You'd only notice it gradually over time, but it was always there.

Conversationalist

Another thing I noticed early that separated Doug from the rest of us was that he could hold a conversation with anyone. I have an image of Doug talking to Don Oldham's mother at her doorstep…. It would go on for some time. I wondered what in hell he could be talking about with Oldham’s mother! It was always respectful, Doug would almost stand at attention, I could see Mrs. Oldham’s face being quite animated. This was something special, the rest of us didn't understand it … Doug could really connect.

He somehow at a young age had learned to really listen; it was often the other person doing most of the talking. Doug was widely read and had a genuine interest in people - his art of conversation was well honed. Even as a child.

Doug’s career had him traveling the world and interacting with people of all different nationalities; Vietnamese, Chinese, Indonesians, Italians, Australasians, .. His conversation and listening skills turned out to be worldclass.


At his wake there was a picture of George Tenant, past director of the CIA, presenting an award to Doug, who, of course, had never mentioned it. Doug could have told extraordinarily griping and captivating stories, I’m sure there were many in the clear he could have shared. His modesty would not allow it.

Jobs, School, the Military

Doug started working early at part-time jobs for college money. At about  the age of 12 Doug introduced me to the manager of the local bowling alley on Power Road. You'd sit in a pit with those thin duck pins zinging right by your head.  I worked one string, which seemed like an eternity, and asked how much I had made.. 24 cents. I took the 24 cents and got the hell out of there. Doug Hokenson, of Nathaniel Ave, stayed with it.

Then there was caddying at the country club. Doug introduced Don Oldham and I to it, we used to 'thumb' about 15 miles across town to Ledgmont CC, caddy for 18 or 27 holes and ‘thumb’ back. This at 13 years old! We all kept at this through the first few years of college and made what we thought was good money.

Don Oldham, Doug, and I all attended Slater Junior High School --- I being one year behind. They thought it was pretty bad, I thought it was pretty good. Don went to the public West HS, I later went to St. Raphael Academy, and Doug went to Classical HS, best high school in Rhode Island. I remember Doug  really hitting the books. The stories of how difficult Classical HS was were legendary; Doug never complained, he said 'you just do it'.

We would see each other on weekends caddying and during school vacations. This is when a subtle mentoring took place - being a year ahead Doug provided a preview of life's issues ---applying to college, picking a major, thinking about a career, dating, military service, ….

During school vacations we played a lot of basketball. We frequently spent the afternoon playing ball at the Brown University Marvel gym – sneaking in of course. Bill Redgate, Don Grebian, Danny Saccucci, Mike Farrands, Don Oldham, Tom McCabe,  Doug, ….. we’re all sneak in and played as if the stands were full. When we’d get accosted we’d pose as underclassmen. Doug and Don would do the talking; they were the only ones remotely resembling a “Brown man”. The rest of us were cigar chomping, six pack local boys; no Ivy League bluebloods here.

We had all kinds of jobs. We learned a lot about real life through the jobs --- it was life 101. We both developed our career ambition through the negative example of competent people stuck in dead-end jobs in really bad environments.  Caddying, Christmas vacation mailmen in the rain and snow, picking apples in the country orchards, the bowling alley … this was the stuff that drove Doug and me to have a professional career.

Once, Doug got a job driving this enormous truck. Although very athletic, Doug had trouble parking a car. I used to laugh at his parking; he’d leave 3 feet of curb when parking and have the wrong angle. When he told me he got a job driving this big truck I thought he was pulling my leg. And then I saw it ---- a gigantic truck in front of his house, and three feet from the curb, at a crooked angle! I asked several times how all of this turned out --- he never told me.

We'd talk about college life. In his senior year Doug was president of his University of Rhode Island fraternity, Phi Mu Delta. We were both in ROTC, I was at Providence College, and our good friend Don Oldham was in Naval ROTC at Tufts University. During the summer of our junior year we had a 6 week ROTC camp, mine was at Fort Devens, MA --- I think Doug went somewhere else, either upstate NY or NJ. In any case, I pumped Doug for a debriefing, the do’s and don’ts of summer camp.

Doug took the edge off ROTC summer camp, he was paving new ground and previewing my life chapters --- that was the first preface.

Then it was time to graduate from college and get a job. Doug had a pharmaceutical sales position for awhile but he didn't like it. During this period I remember visiting his house on  Xmas vacation when in college. I remember his sister Claire and brother-in- law being there and they were taking turns playing chess.  Doug was the first to introduce us to chess. Nobody played chess on Grotto Avenue, but the Hokensons of Nathanial Avenue had a chess set right there in the livingroom. It caught on; I remember a bunch of the guys later on playing chess.

Doug graduated from URI and went on active duty as a Lieutenant in the US Army. I had a year left of college and went to graduate school. I remember several of Doug's home visits --- I'm not sure of the chronology.

Doug would always describe his experiences as a storyteller; he'd tell colorful stories of his adventures and nuance all the characters. It was never about Doug.  It was always the story, the adventure, the hardships, the irony, the experience.  I remember talking for hours --- Doug could really tell a story and I had an added incentive to really listen; most of these experiences lay ahead. Graduate school had postponed my Army active duty;  but officer infantry training at Fort Benning, GA, and active duty were looking me in the face. Doug had done all that. When he sensed my anxiety, he'd leave with a reassuring soft laugh and a gentle smile.

During this time Doug would go off for 6 months or a year at a time --- and then home to Nathaniel Avenue. I remember on different home visits Doug describing combat platoon infantry training at Fort Benning, airborne(jump) school, and then being an instructor at Fort Dix, New Jersey. I paid close attention --- with an ear to how hard or scary things would be for me. It was about this time he told me of someone really special he had met named Katie.

Doug and I could calibrate each other. We both were good athletes, decent students, got along well with all sorts, he though was a lot tougher.  My listening had an edge; if Doug could get through it, then maybe I could. I'd ask '”How do you make it through”, he'd tell me, and I'd get it.

 There was one exception – US Army Ranger Training. It's the roughest thing imaginable. The drop out rate is really high – Doug, of course, made it through. He didn't tell me much. He buried it, I left it alone.

Virginia, Maryland

Fast forward to 1967 ---- I landed up at the National Security Agency in Maryland as a lieutenant on active duty. I somehow knew that Doug was with the CIA, got his phone number in Annandale, VA, and we got together. The first time Linda and I met with Doug alone. After we met with our wives Katie and Linda at Doug’s apartment in Annandale.

The discussions were different; there were four people, not two. We talked careers, kids, housing market, and basketball --  not watching basketball, playing it. We were both playing … a lot. The two women instantly bonded --- they were bedfellows, both cursed with the Pawtucket jock syndrome. I think Katie was enormously relieved to meet a kindred soul; Linda was also co-suffering  with the same locker room culture.

Doug went off for years at a time; three or four years at a time. We’d reconnect when he returned to his Langley home assignments, much like it was when he'd come home from far away to Pawtucket. Our conversations were no longer one-on-one --- there were wives, kids, homes, careers. Doug through all the years kept really fit, mainly though his running. After his Indonesian assignment I saw Doug run the Marine Corp Marathon after just a few months training. His time was better than respectful; it may have been under three hours, better than Lance Armstrong’s first try.

During these career years all four of us met several times. There's something really comforting about a friend since seven years old from the same home town. After meeting I always felt grounded, home, centered -- Doug and I shared a common Odyssey, we’re not so far from home. Doug was just a little older and leading the way, to me he was still paving the way. And all was OK…

 Cancer

until the cancer. I forget most of the first phone call when Katie called and told me that Doug was in bad shape and was having an extensive medical procedure. I remember being shaken; it took me a few days to call back.  Doug was very 'matter of fact' and seemed to take cancer and the upcoming procedure in stride. I felt shocked and angered that cancer had attacked my friend, it wasn’t fair to a guy who kept in such good physical condition to get so cheated.

I saw Doug three more times. Twice we met for lunch at the Cheese Cake Factory  in Rockville and we were back to our one-on-one conversations.  At our first Iunch the cancer was in remission. I asked how he got the strength to undergo all the scary and painful medical procedures. 'You kill the cancer or the cancer kills you, you just do it', he told me.

And then I was diagnosed with melanoma. I got really scared, had it removed, and had a three week waiting period to see if the biopsy would show that it had metastasized. I called Doug and told him what had happened. He told me to face it, fight it, and let's have lunch.

And we did, at the same Rockville Cheese Cake Factory, same table, and same waiter. My melanoma had not metastasized; Doug's had flared up again. I went to share my ‘new lease on life’ epiphany ---- but it was still the time to listen. Doug talked, I listened. He talked of the incredible medical doctors, the extent they went to save him, of a drug he got that cost seven thousand dollars a shot, and of how his family was so incredibly supportive. Brave understates it, he was picking me up!  We left upbeat, he paid the bill.

On Saturday the 11 of December 2004 Linda and I went to visit Doug and his family in Langley, VA. He had trouble talking, so it was my turn to talk. I shared our childhood adventures with Doug and his family - Katie, daughter Christina, son Jeffrey with wife Christa, and grandson Pierce.  There was the story of how we rode the pigs at the local slaughter house ---- Pawtucket’s version of Dressage. We all laughed. I told him that 'tough as it is to believe' our mutual god-awful Slater Junior High School had undergone a major turnaround - it went 'down hill'.  He wasn't talking much, but he could sure laugh. It was a huge belly laugh, with tears in his eyes. His tears brought my tears.

 After awhile we said our goodbyes and turned back getting into the car. As Doug waved goodbye, he had that same expression from so long ago. He laughed and smiled. It was that same reassuring laugh and that same gentle smile.

Doug leaves

Douglas Robert Hokenson left us on January 3 2005.

 Here is the email his family sent to family and friends:

Dear Family and Friends,

For those of you who might not be aware, we regret to inform you that Doug’s heroic, two-year battle with cancer ended on Monday, January 3, 2005.

If you are available, you can help us to celebrate his life on Saturday, January 8, from 5 to 8 p.m. at the Money and King Funeral Home in Vienna, VA.  Following your visit, we invite you to our home where family and friends will receive you and where we can continue the celebration.  Directions to our house are available below and will also be provided at the funeral home on Saturday.

Doug’s funeral service will be held on Monday, February 14 ^th, at 10:45 a.m., in the Old Chapel at Arlington National Cemetery.  We hope you will be able to join us on that day.  (A copy of his death notice is attached to this email.)

 We thank you for your expressions of sympathy and continued support.  Doug was always so grateful for his loving family and friends.

All the best,

The Hokensons

It’s time to stop writing now – it’s not easy. The writing is my way of saying goodbye. So to Doug, my dear lifetime friend who always led the way, its goodbye.

The poem tells ' I traveled the world so to understand it, but that was not the gift.  When I came home I then understood home, for the first time. That was the gift'.

I looked straight ahead and traveled the world to meet brave men that had courage to lead the way; only to find out that the bravest of them all was there all along, at my side.